Reading back yesteryear

An entry from December

Today I had a look at my old diaries. Ones that I wrote from 2006 up to 2012. 2006 and 2009 were all about love and my studies. And I have always been spiraling in my thoughts. I said that I wish I could die for many stupid reasons, and I thought that 365 days of a year was a chain of unhappiness.

The teenage years were tough for me. I exaggerated things a lot. And I quickly changed from 1 mood to another just because something was happening around me. And there were a lot of things going on with my life that I don't even care about now.

Maybe it happens the same with these newer journals. 10 years from now when I look back, perhaps nothing matters as much as they did.

Well, 1 thing or 2 did matter. But look how much different you've turned out to be. How life would push you to the next stage, the next level of the game, and you still live.

I also notice that my writing has gotten much better. Once I asked my student L if he thought he had improved on anything during the past week.

- No, said he.

- But actually, you have.

Today you learn more about different jobs, you know how to explain your ideas better, and you can give a short description of a picture.

I told him that we often think we hadn't progressed on anything, while in fact, we were continually growing. What might be so insignificant to us was so apparent to someone else. And yet, we thought we hadn't changed, even a tiny bit.

But I was like that sometimes. Because big results are often delayed, I forget to take notes of small wins and appreciate my effort.

Today I realize that compared to the person I was in the past, I am now much more put-together. My writing may not be as good as other writers, but thank god I've made HUGE strides from the crap I used to write when I was a kid.

I'm also more quickly aware of when I'm projecting and amplifying my situations.

It's alright now. We'll figure things out (one way or another).

JANE WRITES.